The Very First Time

The very first time,
     I fall in love,
     it was you -
     whom I loved.

The very first time,
     I realized that I fell for you,
     I felt like I was making the greatest mistake.
     I knew that you wouldn't feel the same way.

The very first time,
     I tried to deny this feeling,
     I failed.
     I fell even deeper.

For the very first time,
     we are apart,
     a thousand-nine hundred-seventy kilometers -
     separated by cities, islands, and sea.
     But my love was still the same.

and for the very first time,
     we did not talk - at all, not even once.
     I started to doubt about my feelings.
     Should I stay still? or should I let go?

and for every very first time I had with you,
     I realized that you are my very first love.
     The one who teach me the feeling of love,
        loving, and maybe being loved?
     The one who teach me how terrible is being apart.
     The one who let me feel how hurt is heart break.
     and of course,
        The one who teach me to let go the one you loved.

Now it is not my very first time anymore.
     No more first time.
     Because even if I fall in love over you again,
     it is not my first time, no more.

It is my second time.
     Being apart
     two-thousands-seven-hundreds-fifty kilo meters away -
        to be precised.
     Further, isn't it?

It is not my first time, nor my second time.
     I have tried for many times,
        to find you,
        to get you back,
        to keep you in touch.
     I have tried for many times,
        to let go of you,
        to forget about you,
        to pretend that I have never loved you.
     But then, I realized,
        I made another failure.

I have let go everything, forget everything -
     except your name, and your shadow.
     I live in it.
     For times, I succeed.

But then, it comes another first time.
     The first time you finally tell me about the feeling.
     Then that very first time feeling come back.
        the same joy,
        the same happiness,
        the same chemical reactions happened
        - all over again.

and the same feeling as my very first time happened again,
     the same insecurities,
     the same frightened,
        -  I wonder why they keep on haunting me.

and in the end, I finally know:
     it is a trapped, called love.
     When you feel so awkward for many things,
     yet you're happy at once.

Yes, it is my first time,
     to be grateful for everything I have and I don't;
     to regret and let go.

and this is my first and last time,
     to say that I have ever loved you, and I love you at once.
     Without making sure it is love or I am just too happy;
     because it is my first time,
        to have you here;
        to feel that you are near.

"Why do you write?"

Many people asked me, "Why do you write?"

I don't write because I like to, I don't write because I love to.

I write because I miss you, and writing about you brings you closer.

I write because writing about you make me recall many things about you.

Your voices, your looks, your smile, and the laughters beneath.

The pen is my strength. It lifts me up when you are not here with me.

The paper is my power. It transfers all the sadness into beautiful memories.

Everytime I scratched words on the paper, my memories about you start to play all over in my head.

I do not have power to stop it, yet I enjoy everything about it.

Our memories might not be the best memories we could have.

Good memories might not always be there, but it is memorable.

Bad memories might not be memorable, but it will always be there and guiding us in the future.

"Why do you write?", people asked again.

Because the writings will be mine forever.

Until I decided to get rid of it, and delete them.

Because my writings will always be there,

even when you are not.

"What makes you keep on writing?", people asked.

"You.", I answered briefly.

Every single of you, is the inspiration for me to write.

Every single of you, is the reason for me to write.

Sometimes I write just because I love you too much

that I could not express it at all,

so that I decided to write.

So whenever I read my writings back,

I will remember that I used to love you that much.

Perhaps I could still love you that much,

when I re-open it again.

"How do you write?", people kept on asking.
Every words and sentences are the reflection of my feelings, heart, and energy.
Those are things that I am willing to sacrifice for you.
But then, I put all of them into writings.
The recipe of every writings I made.
I put a soul in it - I put mine.

And before you asked me, "What do you love to write?",
I will answer it for you.
I love to write everything about us,
not because we have happy endings like others do,
but because our stories are different from the others,
yeah, we got the sad one.

Nostalgia

This poetry is inspired by the great author, the favorite of mine, Lang Leav.
And I decided to make the continuation part of it because it relates to me, so much.


Lang Leav

"Do you remember our first day? The fog lifted and all around us were trees linking hands, like children playing.
Our first night, when you stood by the door, conflicted, as I sat there with my knees tucked under my chin, and smiling.
Then rainbows arching over and the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen.
How the wind howls as the sea whispers, I miss you.
Come back to me."

and here is the continuation

and all those memories back then
are all I have today
and when I nostalgic back in time,
playing around with time,
where you and me were there,
we were still there -
it makes me realized
that I am getting older,
and I am no more the same
to the point that I dropped a tear
just because I miss the memories.
and I called it nostalgia.

A Thank-You Letter

I used to think
     that you never care about me;
     that you never have the same feeling as I did.

I used to think
     that forgetting everything about you
     is the easiest way out.

Yes, I used to think that way.

It turns out
     that it did not work;
     that I miss you even more;
     and I still love you as I used to.

I remember clearly that
     All you never say is that
        you love me -
       or even, ever loved me.
     All I never hear is that
       you want me to stay -
       forever, or even a while.

Then one day -
     after years of missing;
     I finally found you back.
     I wanted to make you realized
        of my existence,
        and the love that I still had
        for you.
     But then, you were there -
        physically, but not there - by heart.

I waited again for years,
     for you to come back.
     Then yeah -
     You come back.
        with a whole new story,
        whole new you,
        bringing up our history,
        and regrets.

This thank-you letter,
     is dedicated for you.
     To thank you for everything
        every stories that has become histories.

Thank you
     for all the things
     I thought I wiill never know
     for things
     I thought I will never hear

Thank you
     for saying things
     I really want to know
     before I fall into a deeper disappoinment.

Thank you
     for changing all the things
     that I used to fear of,
     before it turns into trauma.

Night(s)

As I close my eyes every night
Those memories and pictures -
    play around in my head
They are fractured and disintegrated.

But then in every night
I am in dilemma -
    whether I should
    integrate back those memories
    or disintegrate them into nothing.

It is always the night
Where I am not sure of -
    that I had ever been of.

And in those nights
I wonder myself
But inside my heart
I am tough -
    as I have never left,
    or been left.

And it will always be like that,
    every night, until I fall asleep.