The Very First Time

The very first time,
     I fall in love,
     it was you -
     whom I loved.

The very first time,
     I realized that I fell for you,
     I felt like I was making the greatest mistake.
     I knew that you wouldn't feel the same way.

The very first time,
     I tried to deny this feeling,
     I failed.
     I fell even deeper.

For the very first time,
     we are apart,
     a thousand-nine hundred-seventy kilometers -
     separated by cities, islands, and sea.
     But my love was still the same.

and for the very first time,
     we did not talk - at all, not even once.
     I started to doubt about my feelings.
     Should I stay still? or should I let go?

and for every very first time I had with you,
     I realized that you are my very first love.
     The one who teach me the feeling of love,
        loving, and maybe being loved?
     The one who teach me how terrible is being apart.
     The one who let me feel how hurt is heart break.
     and of course,
        The one who teach me to let go the one you loved.

Now it is not my very first time anymore.
     No more first time.
     Because even if I fall in love over you again,
     it is not my first time, no more.

It is my second time.
     Being apart
     two-thousands-seven-hundreds-fifty kilo meters away -
        to be precised.
     Further, isn't it?

It is not my first time, nor my second time.
     I have tried for many times,
        to find you,
        to get you back,
        to keep you in touch.
     I have tried for many times,
        to let go of you,
        to forget about you,
        to pretend that I have never loved you.
     But then, I realized,
        I made another failure.

I have let go everything, forget everything -
     except your name, and your shadow.
     I live in it.
     For times, I succeed.

But then, it comes another first time.
     The first time you finally tell me about the feeling.
     Then that very first time feeling come back.
        the same joy,
        the same happiness,
        the same chemical reactions happened
        - all over again.

and the same feeling as my very first time happened again,
     the same insecurities,
     the same frightened,
        -  I wonder why they keep on haunting me.

and in the end, I finally know:
     it is a trapped, called love.
     When you feel so awkward for many things,
     yet you're happy at once.

Yes, it is my first time,
     to be grateful for everything I have and I don't;
     to regret and let go.

and this is my first and last time,
     to say that I have ever loved you, and I love you at once.
     Without making sure it is love or I am just too happy;
     because it is my first time,
        to have you here;
        to feel that you are near.