好久不见。

好久不见！
Yes, it has been a long long time after my last post. So, here I am again after my exam weeks, full college time, and many preparations ahead. But, so what? Everyone needs a break, and so do I.
I have been taking a break for two days, yeah. I spoke less to people, did less conversation, spending my time alone (or with family). I don't know what mood I was on and I am on. But I'm back to my favourite journal, this blog!

Who cares what people have been thinking of you since the day you've gone?
Some people are left with memories.
But some people forget you like a dust.
There is also some people who replace your positions and succeed.
But some failed.

I bumped into an old song, titled "小幸运". It comes from a movie titled, "我的少女時代".
This song is freakingly related to me, how it took away my heart the first time I listened to it and I kept on listening to this song for months, and still not get bored.
I felt how hard it is to see someone you love, someone you care, or you once loved and you once cared to be far away from you. When technology was not as advanced as nowadays, how could you even reached them? Be grateful if you never be separated from the ones you love and care! Be grateful if you have separated and you live in the world of technology since you were young! At least you are way luckier than me!

Life is not that easy to go on when you do not know precisely, exactly, what is going on them. You felt the worries, you tried to find out, but what you got is nil - nothing.
Then after years, you finally forgot about them. (By 'years' I meant, at least a decade? Haha!)
Then you started to remember and to be reminded of them, of the pretty memories you used to spend with them.
It feels great when you could bump into them again. But the left over memories after they left you come back to you and, again, they make your life even tougher.
And maybe it's your time to take a break, reflecting on your memories, and reflecting on your present time.
Because we couldn't buy time or even use money to create memories.
If you messed up with your past time and created past memories, don't let yourself ruin your future memories you're going to remember. Don't regret the same thing for more than once.

”有时候，回忆可能很好想的。可是，回忆是回忆。无论多少我们想的，我们不能时光倒流。“

The Very First Time

The very first time,
     I fall in love,
     it was you -
     whom I loved.

The very first time,
     I realized that I fell for you,
     I felt like I was making the greatest mistake.
     I knew that you wouldn't feel the same way.

The very first time,
     I tried to deny this feeling,
     I failed.
     I fell even deeper.

For the very first time,
     we are apart,
     a thousand-nine hundred-seventy kilometers -
     separated by cities, islands, and sea.
     But my love was still the same.

and for the very first time,
     we did not talk - at all, not even once.
     I started to doubt about my feelings.
     Should I stay still? or should I let go?

and for every very first time I had with you,
     I realized that you are my very first love.
     The one who teach me the feeling of love,
        loving, and maybe being loved?
     The one who teach me how terrible is being apart.
     The one who let me feel how hurt is heart break.
     and of course,
        The one who teach me to let go the one you loved.

Now it is not my very first time anymore.
     No more first time.
     Because even if I fall in love over you again,
     it is not my first time, no more.

It is my second time.
     Being apart
     two-thousands-seven-hundreds-fifty kilo meters away -
        to be precised.
     Further, isn't it?

It is not my first time, nor my second time.
     I have tried for many times,
        to find you,
        to get you back,
        to keep you in touch.
     I have tried for many times,
        to let go of you,
        to forget about you,
        to pretend that I have never loved you.
     But then, I realized,
        I made another failure.

I have let go everything, forget everything -
     except your name, and your shadow.
     I live in it.
     For times, I succeed.

But then, it comes another first time.
     The first time you finally tell me about the feeling.
     Then that very first time feeling come back.
        the same joy,
        the same happiness,
        the same chemical reactions happened
        - all over again.

and the same feeling as my very first time happened again,
     the same insecurities,
     the same frightened,
        -  I wonder why they keep on haunting me.

and in the end, I finally know:
     it is a trapped, called love.
     When you feel so awkward for many things,
     yet you're happy at once.

Yes, it is my first time,
     to be grateful for everything I have and I don't;
     to regret and let go.

and this is my first and last time,
     to say that I have ever loved you, and I love you at once.
     Without making sure it is love or I am just too happy;
     because it is my first time,
        to have you here;
        to feel that you are near.

"Why do you write?"

Many people asked me, "Why do you write?"

I don't write because I like to, I don't write because I love to.

I write because I miss you, and writing about you brings you closer.

I write because writing about you make me recall many things about you.

Your voices, your looks, your smile, and the laughters beneath.

The pen is my strength. It lifts me up when you are not here with me.

The paper is my power. It transfers all the sadness into beautiful memories.

Everytime I scratched words on the paper, my memories about you start to play all over in my head.

I do not have power to stop it, yet I enjoy everything about it.

Our memories might not be the best memories we could have.

Good memories might not always be there, but it is memorable.

Bad memories might not be memorable, but it will always be there and guiding us in the future.

"Why do you write?", people asked again.

Because the writings will be mine forever.

Until I decided to get rid of it, and delete them.

Because my writings will always be there,

even when you are not.

"What makes you keep on writing?", people asked.

"You.", I answered briefly.

Every single of you, is the inspiration for me to write.

Every single of you, is the reason for me to write.

Sometimes I write just because I love you too much

that I could not express it at all,

so that I decided to write.

So whenever I read my writings back,

I will remember that I used to love you that much.

Perhaps I could still love you that much,

when I re-open it again.

"How do you write?", people kept on asking.
Every words and sentences are the reflection of my feelings, heart, and energy.
Those are things that I am willing to sacrifice for you.
But then, I put all of them into writings.
The recipe of every writings I made.
I put a soul in it - I put mine.

And before you asked me, "What do you love to write?",
I will answer it for you.
I love to write everything about us,
not because we have happy endings like others do,
but because our stories are different from the others,
yeah, we got the sad one.

Nostalgia

This poetry is inspired by the great author, the favorite of mine, Lang Leav.
And I decided to make the continuation part of it because it relates to me, so much.


Lang Leav

"Do you remember our first day? The fog lifted and all around us were trees linking hands, like children playing.
Our first night, when you stood by the door, conflicted, as I sat there with my knees tucked under my chin, and smiling.
Then rainbows arching over and the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen.
How the wind howls as the sea whispers, I miss you.
Come back to me."

and here is the continuation

and all those memories back then
are all I have today
and when I nostalgic back in time,
playing around with time,
where you and me were there,
we were still there -
it makes me realized
that I am getting older,
and I am no more the same
to the point that I dropped a tear
just because I miss the memories.
and I called it nostalgia.

A Thank-You Letter

I used to think
     that you never care about me;
     that you never have the same feeling as I did.

I used to think
     that forgetting everything about you
     is the easiest way out.

Yes, I used to think that way.

It turns out
     that it did not work;
     that I miss you even more;
     and I still love you as I used to.

I remember clearly that
     All you never say is that
        you love me -
       or even, ever loved me.
     All I never hear is that
       you want me to stay -
       forever, or even a while.

Then one day -
     after years of missing;
     I finally found you back.
     I wanted to make you realized
        of my existence,
        and the love that I still had
        for you.
     But then, you were there -
        physically, but not there - by heart.

I waited again for years,
     for you to come back.
     Then yeah -
     You come back.
        with a whole new story,
        whole new you,
        bringing up our history,
        and regrets.

This thank-you letter,
     is dedicated for you.
     To thank you for everything
        every stories that has become histories.

Thank you
     for all the things
     I thought I wiill never know
     for things
     I thought I will never hear

Thank you
     for saying things
     I really want to know
     before I fall into a deeper disappoinment.

Thank you
     for changing all the things
     that I used to fear of,
     before it turns into trauma.

Night(s)

As I close my eyes every night
Those memories and pictures -
    play around in my head
They are fractured and disintegrated.

But then in every night
I am in dilemma -
    whether I should
    integrate back those memories
    or disintegrate them into nothing.

It is always the night
Where I am not sure of -
    that I had ever been of.

And in those nights
I wonder myself
But inside my heart
I am tough -
    as I have never left,
    or been left.

And it will always be like that,
    every night, until I fall asleep.

Aku dan Keluarga Ketigaku, Pers Mahasiswa - GENTA

🔔 GENTA PETRA 🔔

Berawal dari perjalananku sebagai mahasiswa UK Petra di tahun 2015. Mengikuti banyak rangkaian acara untuk mengetahui lebih banyak lagi cerita-cerita seru yang mungkin dapat aku petik selama aku berada di jenjang perkuliahan.

Saat itu, aku memberanikan diri untuk mendaftarkan diriku ke dalam Lembaga Kemahasiswaan Pers Mahasiswa UK Petra, dengan produk majalah GENTA. Aku sungguh ragu pada diriku sendiri. Mampukah aku? Masih teringat jelas dalam bayangku, aku memilih tiga divisi utama, yaitu: Divisi Reporter Cetak, Sponsorship, dan juga Human Resources Development. Namun yang benar-benar aku seriusi adalah Reporter Cetak dan juga Sponsorship. Dan aku diterima di kedua divisi itu, aku pun memilih Sponsorship. Tidak sekalipun terbayang dalam benakku, bahwa hidup sebagai fungsionaris Pers Mahasiswa akan sesulit itu. Ditambah lagi, aku menjadi salah satu panitia di acara terbesar Pers Mahasiswa, yaitu HUT GENTA Ke-52. Rasanya kehidupanku sungguh melelahkan. Tapi aku cukup bahagia karena aku pernah menjadi bagian dari mereka, orang-orang hebat yang semangatnya tidak terpatahkan, sesulit apapun keadaannya. Yang pada akhirnya, mereka pun menjadi salah satu bagian dari inner-circle-ku.

Tahun pertamaku, dipenuh dengan banyak suka dan duka, tentu saja dengan beragam cerita. Memang tidak seindah yang dibayangkan banyak orang, tapi tanpa suka duka tersebut, aku tidak akan sedewasa hari ini. Aku percaya bahwa semua masalah pasti ada penyelesaiannya, namun itu tergantung pada pribadi kita sendiri, bagaimana kita menemukan jawaban dari permasalahan yang ada.

 Aku memutuskan untuk melanjutkan perjalanan di dunia universitasku dengan terus bertahan dan belajar di dalam lingkup organisasi Pers Mahasiswa-ku. Kali ini sebagai Bendahara dan Badan Pengurus Harian (BPH). Pekerjaan yang cukup mudah seharusnya sebagai bendahara, karena hanya mengandalkan skill. Tapi bekerja sebagai BPH membuatnya menjadi sulit. Karena seorang BPH bukanlah tempat dimana kamu melakukan hal hanya berdasarkan job descriptionmu, tetapi juga saling support dengan tim BPH lainnya dan membantu para koordinator untuk menjalankan tugasnya dengan baik. Ditambah lagi aku harus membawahi sebuah divisi. Namun aku sangat bersyukur, divisi-divisi tersebut saling membantu dan men-support satu dengan lainnya, meskipun tidak semuanya berjalan dengan lancar. Beberapa masalah dan hambatan kian muncul. Mungkin tugas seorang BPH adalah mengayomi anak-anaknya? Pekerjaan tersebut sangat sulit bagiku, orang yang memiliki kepribadian yang blak-blakan dan ceplas-ceplos. Banyak orang yang mengira aku adalah pribadi yang galak dan kasar karena daya bicaraku, selain itu tingkat kesabaranku merupakan yang terendah dibanding BPH lainnya. Namun mungkin itu yang membuatku unik? Aku terus belajar untuk mengurangi kecerobohan, kesalahan, dan hal-hal negatif dari dalam diriku. Juga meningkatkan kesabaran, kedisiplinan, dan juga time management dalam kinerjaku.

Kini keluarga Pers Mahasiswa UK Petra semakin besar. Semakin banyak pelajaran yang didapat. Dan ketika aku harus melepaskannya, sungguh aku tidak menyanggupinya. Namun aku harus. Benar kata orang, cinta itu tidak harus memiliki. Sayang itu tidak harus memiliki. Sesayang apapun aku terhadap keluarga besar Pers Mahasiswa UK Petra dan GENTA, aku tidak harus selamanya berada disana. Aku pun harus keluar dari zona nyamanku, membantu orang-orang yang lebih membutuhkanku, ke tempat dimana orang-orang lebih membutuhkan keberadaaanku, dan membiarkan orang lain untuk berkembang lagi. Mungkin ke depannya aku tidak akan bekerja dengan keluarga besar PersMa UKP lagi, namun aku berharap keluarga yang semakin besar ini tidak saling melupakan namun saling menyayangi dan membantu.

Banyak sekali orang-orang yang berperan penting dalam perkembanganku di Pers Mahasiswa ini. Aku mengucapkan terima kasih kepada Moses, Adella, Ivana, Bagus, dan Ian, karena telah memberikanku kesempatan di tahun pertamaku. Untuk Gerald, Nikita, dan Felicia, terima kasih telah bekerjasama dengan baik di tahun kedua yang sungguh berharga ini. Teman-teman koordinator: Risha, Reyner, Edo, Helen, Kennia, Desya, Hans dan Tedjo, terima kasih atas koordinasi yang baik dan kerjasama yang luar biasa dalam satu periode ini. Untuk anak-anak fungsionaris Pers Mahasiswa 2016/2017, aku berharap kalian belajar sesuatu periode ini dan berkembanglah terus! Untuk calon fungsionaris Pers Mahasiswa 2017/2018 dan fungsionaris lama yang masih melanjutkan untuk tahun kedua dan ketiganya, semangat! Kalian pasti dapat melakukan hal-hal yang lebih baik dibandingkan apa yang sudah saya lakukan! Terus berjuang untuk Pers Mahasiswa yang lebih baik! Salam pers!

Pers Mahasiswa UK Petra - GENTA PETRA

"True friends grow separately without growing apart." - Butterworks, 2016.

Terima kasih untuk pembelajaran berharga selama dua tahun ini. Maaf atas kesalahan yang pernah saya perbuat, mulai dari periode awal saya sebagai anggota Divisi Sponsorship hingga periode kedua saya melayani sebagai Bendahara dan BPH. Saya yakin betul bahwa tidak semua hal yang saya kerjakan dan saya ungkapkan menyenangkan hati seluruh anggota Pers Mahasiswa, baik periode 2015/2016 maupun periode 2016/2017. Saya tidak akan bilang, "Ya inilah saya". Tidak. Saya yakin betul bahwa saya juga berproses. Saya belajar bahwa sifat setiap orang itu unik, saya sungguh merasakannya. Ketika saya masih menjadi seorang anggota, saya hanya mengenal dekat beberapa orang saja, kini sebagai BPH saya mengenal lebih banyak orang dengan lebih banyak personalitas. Terima kasih Pers Mahasiswa, telah memberikan saya kesempatan untuk belajar sejak tahun pertama saya menjadi MaBa. Mungkin sedari saya masih duduk di bangku SMP, banyak organisasi yang telah saya masuki. Namun setiap jenjang punya ceritanya sendiri. Dan di jenjang universitas inilah saya belajar banyak dari PersMa UKP. Melalui wadah ini, saya dapat terbentuk menjadi diri saya sekarang ini. Saya akui, tanpa kehadiran Pers Mahasiswa, dan kepercayaan yang diberikan pada saya, saya tidak mungkin menjadi Vivi Darmalim yang kalian kenal saat ini.

"Because love can be very simple, and simplicity is love." - Butterworks.

Pers Mahasiswa merupakan sebuah keluarga bagi saya. Mungkin orang-orang akan mentertawai saya, saya tidak peduli. Pers Mahasiswa adalah tempat dimana seorang individu yang baru memasuki jenjang perkuliahan, yang memiliki semangat untuk belajar dan beradaptasi, yang berkomitmen, untuk berkembang.

Kami adalah keluarga. Kami belajar untuk saling mendengarkan, mengayomi, dan memiliki. Kadang sulit. Tidak semua orang yang masuk sesuai ekspektasi awal kami. Tapi itulah pembelajaran, bukan?

Saya tidak mengatakan bahwa sungguh mudah menjalani hidup dalam organisasi ini dan fokus dalam studi. Tapi pembelajaran kan butuh pengorbanan. Pengorbanan waktu, pikiran, bahkan fisik. Disinilah time management saya dilatih.

🔔 GENTA PETRA 🔔